


Darkest Night

by comeundone



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Abuse, Fluff, M/M, Post-Break Up, Smut, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:15:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27818845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeundone/pseuds/comeundone
Summary: It's Christmas 1995. Rob is lost and alone. And he needs Gary by his side.
Relationships: Gary Barlow/Robbie Williams
Comments: 11
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A million thanks to my dear friend [cullenlovesmen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cullenlovesmen) for encouraging me to write, for reading this story spilling out of my Rob/Gary obsessed brain and for making me feel brave enough to actually post this. ♥
> 
> Might turn this into a series sooner or later, I'm having too many headcanons about those two boys in the 90's.
> 
> This is a finished fic and it will be updated once a week.

_December in London, think I just been made redundant_  
_'95 or '96? I really can't remember which_  
_[...]_  
_Will I fall into a quiet room saying ‟Hold me now”?_

_And even on the darkest night of the coldest year_  
_Hold my hand ‘til the last day of the year_

  
5.54 pm, 24th December 1995

When he closed his eyes, his head was spinning. He swallowed heavily as he looked over to the half empty bottle of vodka on his nightstand. It was his first one today.

Not enough.

He knew he hadn’t had enough yet because he could still feel things. The anxiety tightening his chest and making it harder to breathe, the constant sadness, pain and anger making his heart beat heavily. The dial tone he heard coming from the telephone pressed against his right ear was so loud he felt as if it was resonating inside his head. Bouncing off of one corner of his mind to the next. He held the phone away from his ear and closed his eyes. _Spinning_. He opened them again. The next dial tone ended abruptly and too soon for his liking. He instantly pressed the telephone close to his ear again, listening to the familiar, loved, missed, feared, dreaded voice answering: ‟Hello?”

He swallowed down the mixture of a heavy sigh and a sob that made his way up his throat. His chest tightened as memories flooded his brain. Memories of this voice. Calling his name gently. Lovingly. With a chuckle. Moaning it. Saying _I love you_. Saying _I can’t do this anymore_. ‟Hi, uh. It’s me,” he croaked. His mouth suddenly felt way too dry. The urge for a drink grew stronger. Something to loosen up his tongue. To calm his anxiety. To numb the pain inside.

‟Rob?” the voice answered surprised. ‟I didn’t expect - what do you want?”

Rob closed his eyes and let himself sink back down on the bed. It didn’t help his spinning head much. ‟Gary,” he whispered. ‟I need to see you.”

A sigh. ‟No. Not a good idea.”

‟Please.” Rob couldn’t hold back the hard sob erupting from his chest this time. ‟I can’t do this. Please, please, don’t leave me alone.”

Silence. Rob imagined Gary with his eyes closed, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, long strands of hair falling into his face, jaw clenched. ‟I haven’t seen you in like half a year. Haven’t heard a single word from you. Except in the press of course. Slagging us off.”

‟I know. I - please. Gaz. I need you.” Rob knew he sounded desperate. He was. Desperate. Hungover. Drunk. Depressed. And alone. ‟ _Please_.” 

Gary hesitated for a moment. ‟Are you alone?”

‟Yes. And I’m scared,” Rob choked out. And he genuinely was scared. This deep sense of dread and anxiety he felt hadn’t left him in months. He couldn’t even say what he was scared of. Nothing in particular. A thousand different things at the same time. The hand that wasn’t pressing the telephone against his ear twitched into the direction of the bottle of vodka. No. Not now.  
Silence again on the other side. As if Gary was trying to find out by the sound of Rob’s voice alone how urgent it was. Then: ‟Where are you?”

A wave of relief flooded Rob‘s body. He sat up, his left hand grabbed the half empty bottle and raised it to his lips. ‟London. My apartment,” he whispered before he took a big sip of the lukewarm vodka.

‟Alright. I’ll try to be there in three hours. Can’t promise I can make it that fast.” 

Another sob ripped its way through Rob‘s chest and out of his mouth. ‟Thank you.”

‟Yeah.” Without a goodbye Gary had hung up.

Rob dropped the phone and gulped down more vodka. Maybe Gary had been right. This wasn’t just ‟not a good idea”, this was a phenomenally bad idea. How was Rob supposed to even face this man? After all the things he had said, to him and about him. After all the things Gary said to him. _After everything I have ruined_. Almost exactly one year ago.

He felt his heart rate spike up. He hated Gary because he had left him alone to deal with his problems. He loved Gary. Still. More than anything. He desperately wanted to see him, needed to see him, but what then? Both kissing Gary and hitting him in the face seemed like a plausible outcome of this meeting.

‟Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Rob murmured. More vodka. More. He lifted up the bottle before he stopped himself. Gary had left him precisely _because_ Rob had started drinking too much. Facing him completely pissed probably wouldn‘t help much. Reluctantly he set the bottle down. Three hours. _I can do this_.

Rob had just finished another cigarette when the long awaited ring at the door finally came. Instantly his heart rate sped up and he felt like a freight train had hit him right in the chest. _Gary_. It had been a little over three hours since they had talked on the phone and Rob had begun to question whether Gary was actually on his way to see him. A mean little voice in his head kept telling him that Gary didn’t need him anymore. That he had just lied to Rob, to make fun of him. ‟He _really_ thought I’d drive three hours on Christmas to see _him_!”, laughing with his friends about how gullible and desperate Rob was. A useless fuck up, always drunk and on one drug or another. Definitely not good enough for someone like Gary.

But here he was.

With wobbly legs Rob got up and stumbled over to the door. A quick glance in the mirror he passed showed him the image of a man he barely recognised. Messy dark hair, bags under his eyes, stubbles on his chin, cheeks and neck. Slight double chin too. He looked like a right mess. But still better than how he felt inside. Maybe opening up the second bottle of vodka hadn’t been the best idea.  
Standing in front of the door he held his breath. He could still turn around. Not open the door. Not let Gary and all the memories of a once happy and then fucked up past inside. But he couldn’t. Every fibre of his being was yearning to have Gary close again. With a shaking, clammy hand he reached for the door knob and opened the door.

There he was.

Gary was standing right there. Slightly out of breath. A few snowflakes that hadn’t melted yet on the shoulders of his dark blue coat. Hands nervously buried in his pockets. Eyes full of worry fixated on Rob, dark eyebrows furrowed. His jaw visibly clenched.

For a moment they just stared at each other. This was the first time in five months they were standing face to face.

Rob felt wave after wave of emotion crashing down inside him. Sadness. Anger. Betrayal. Longing. Love. Still so much love. Despite everything. He could feel the telltale way his eyes started to burn and his chest constricted with a sob.

Gary nervously cleared his throat. ‟Hey.” He stepped inside the room without waiting for Rob to invite him in, who still stood there, frozen, staring. Gary closed the door quickly.

There were many things Rob wanted to say but he felt unable to articulate anything. He tried to keep the tears at bay, swallowed heavily. ‟Hold me,” he finally whispered and his voice broke. The last thing he saw before he closed his burning eyes was Gary raising his arms and taking a step towards him.

The hug was warm, all-encompassing, firm, steady. It was everything Rob remembered, missed and needed. He let himself sink heavily into the embrace, wrapped his arms around Gary‘s body and gave in to the sobs just waiting to take over his body.

Gary let him cry.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t make a sound. Just held Rob close, tightly pressed against him and gently rubbed his hands over his back. He began to sway back and forth with him and Rob suddenly wished that Gary would hum a melody to him, familiar or unfamiliar, didn’t matter. But Gary stayed quiet, doing nothing but holding Rob like he did so many times before.

Rob couldn’t tell how long they stood like that. Five minutes? Thirty minutes? Two hours? Time had stopped the moment Gary had pulled him into his arms. Standing there with his face buried in the slightly damp fabric of Gary‘s coat between his neck and shoulders, Rob could smell the faint hint of the familiar cologne on Gary’s skin. He had picked the scent as a present for Gary’s 21st birthday. It’s not like Gary never wore other colognes, but this one was by far his favourite. At least that’s what he had always told Rob.

When Rob‘s gut wrenching sobs slowly subsided and turned into light sniffles, Gary gently loosened up his grip and moved a bit backwards until he could see Rob‘s face. The memory of what he had looked like in the mirror made Rob cringe. Gary was looking so fit and healthy, so good, dressed well too, while he looked like somebody who ran away from a homeless shelter. Sweaty white shirt he had worn for days with food and liquor stains, ratty sweatpants. The weight Gary seemed to have lost since July Rob had put on, maybe more. And of course there was his stubbly, chubby face that showed exactly how little sleep and how many drugs he had had in the past few weeks. Rob looked awful and he knew it.

The intensity with which Gary looked him over became unbearable. He couldn’t possibly like what he saw now. Nothing but a lost addict. Rob quickly wiped the last traces of his tears from his cheeks and squinched his eyes shut. That wouldn’t stop Gary from eyeing him up, but at least he wouldn’t have to see the inevitable judgement in his eyes. The look that would say ‟You’re a failure”.  
A warm hand suddenly cupped his left cheek. Rob instantly leaned into the gentle touch. So familiar. So right. He really didn’t deserve any kindness from Gary and he knew it. But he couldn’t stop himself from basking in it, soaking it up. The hand that was still resting on his waist gently pulled him a bit closer. Rob opened his eyes again and saw Gary’s face just inches away.

‟I missed you,” Gary whispered.

Rob couldn’t move, felt frozen to the ground. Kept in the same spot just by the warm hand on his face and the blue eyes fixating him. For a second his eyes flickered a little bit down, looking at Gary’s slightly parted lips. _Oh please, please_ -

Gary closed the distance between them quickly and gently pressed his warm, soft lips to Rob‘s. For a moment neither of them moved. A split second Rob irrationally feared that Gary could jump back, wipe his mouth and get angry, tell him that this was a mistake. But instead Gary slowly deepened the kiss, his hand on Rob‘s face pulling him closer, caressing his cheek with his thumb. Rob couldn’t do much. He felt himself getting lost in the familiar feeling, taste, smell of Gary. He hadn’t dared to dream of this ever happening again. Everything he had missed for half a year, longer, was suddenly so close again.

After a few minutes of soft, innocent kisses, Gary gently pulled away. Reluctantly Rob opened his eyes. He saw Gary smile.

‟Sorry. Got a bit carried away.”

‟I’m not complaining.”

Gary’s chuckle caused a warm flutter in Rob’s chest. He knew that it wouldn’t stay this way, no matter how long Gary would be here. They would end up fighting and yelling sooner or later. But right now, just for a little moment, Rob could pretend that his world hadn’t stopped turning last June. He could pretend everything was just fine. Gary kissing him like he used to, laughing at things Rob said, holding Rob‘s hand, looking at Rob like he was still the greatest thing that ever happened to him – all of that certainly helped Rob pretending.

‟When was the last time you ate?”

Rob shrugged.

‟Today?”

‟Don’t think so, no.”

Gary frowned. ‟Yesterday?”

His diet consisting of vodka, coke and ecstasy probably didn’t count. ‟I don’t know,” Rob murmured. He wasn’t really hungry anyway. But he felt the urge to get his vodka. Now that Gary was here he didn’t have to hold back anymore, like he did when he was waiting. Right? But Gary... Gary was nice to him right now. So sweet. He had driven three hours on Christmas eve just to see him. Rob couldn’t disappoint him already. Not now. Gary would end up being disappointed in him anyway, sooner or later. He was a fuck up. An alcoholic. An addict. He had only gotten worse since Gary had left him and since he had left Take That. _Someone as perfect as Gary really has no reason to even look at someone like me. Why is he even here?_

Rob felt his head spinning. He would inevitably fuck this up and end up hurting Gary even more. _Fuck_.

 _Just one. Just one sip. Maybe two_. And then he -

‟Alright, you know what? I’m going to order pizza for us. And you go and take a shower,” Gary said. ‟No offence, but you look like you need it.”

Rob gave him a weak smile. Like with food he couldn’t remember the last time he had showered. The past two weeks or so he had spent holed up in here, without really seeing or talking to anybody. Besides his dealer, that is. He drank a lot, did a lot of coke and cried for hours on end. He kept looking at this one photo of him and Gary he always carried with him and refused to throw out like he did with everything else after Gary broke up with him. Thinking about everything he had lost over the past year and how he fucked it all up on Christmas 1994. Calling Gary had been on his mind for weeks but he just wasn’t brave enough. He was too scared Gary wouldn’t even pick up the phone or just hang up when he heard Rob‘s voice. And Rob wouldn’t even be able to blame him for that. With all the things he’d said, all the damage he’d done, there was no reason why Gary should want to talk to him. And yet... now he was here. And already falling back into his role. Always taking care of Rob. Before everything went to shit Rob often ended up annoyed because of this. Now it felt comforting to have someone telling him how to function.

‟Is that okay for you? Or do you want to eat something else?”

Rob shook his head. ‟Perfect.” Truth was, he didn’t care at all. As long as Gary was here nothing else mattered. He wouldn’t ever need anything else but Gary by his side.

Gary gently ran a hand through Rob‘s hair. ‟Okay.”

Rob really just wanted to kiss him again. For a moment he stood there, unsure whether he should lean in or not.

Then Gary let go of Rob‘s hand and took a step back. He started to take off his coat before he noticed Rob still standing there exactly where he let go of him, watching him.

‟Everything alright? You feeling okay?”

‟Y-yeah.”

‟Go on, take a shower, Rob. Please. I’ll find some clean clothes for you.”

Rob wasn’t so sure if Gary would be lucky with that. He felt like he had worn the same three shirts for weeks. But he just nodded and then went to the bathroom, feeling Gary’s eyes on his back. Before he closed the door he turned around to throw Gary another glance, as if to make sure that he was actually there. Gary had his back turned now and began to rummage in his bag, probably searching for his phone. Seeing Gary right there in his apartment seemed so surreal. One call, and he had literally rushed to see Rob.

Rob closed the bathroom door behind himself but didn’t bother locking it. Nothing Gary hadn’t seen before anyway. Looking around he realised how filthy the bathroom was too. Rob bit his lip. Dirty clothes strewn across the floor, an empty bottle half hidden underneath a grey shirt, some kind of dried droplets on the toilet seat. He scrunched up his nose. Must have missed a spot when he had halfheartedly tried to clean up after he got sick the last time. For a second he considered just leaving it, but then he quickly wet some toilet paper and wiped it down. He took off his shirt and sweatpants and then kicked all the scattered clothes around until there was only one big pile on the ground. Better. Not much and certainly not clean and tidy enough for Gary, but it would do. When they were still together and staying in the same hotel room, or later when Rob had unofficially moved into Gary’s house, Gary would always get mad at him for being so messy and just dropping dirty clothes everywhere on the ground. Rob couldn’t count the times Gary had gotten annoyed and had told him to pick up his socks or underwear. Sometimes Rob had left a mess just to rile Gary up. Towards the end, when Gary was criticising him constantly anyway, he just liked adding to the pile of reasons for Gary to get mad at him.

Rob stepped inside the shower and turned on the hot water. It was as if the water slowly washed away part of the vodka haze he still felt clouding his mind and he actually started to feel a bit better. He slowly lost track of time, just standing there, eyes closed, letting the hot water pour down on him. After a while he was dragged back into the present when he heard a knock at the door.

‟Rob? You alright in there?” Gary asked, concern obvious in his voice.

‟Yeah” Rob replied and cleared his throat. He opened his eyes. Time to finish. He grabbed the shampoo and shower gel and quickly lathered up.

About ten minutes later he stepped out of the shower. Of course he had forgotten to get a towel beforehand. Trying not to slip he carefully walked to the other side of the bathroom – to a pile of used towels lying in a corner – when he heard Gary knock again.

‟Got some clothes for you. Can I come in?”

‟Sure. It’s not locked.”

Gary opened the door before Rob could wrap the towel he picked up around his body. He clearly hadn’t expected to see Rob fully naked after being told to come inside and nervously tried to look elsewhere. Rob did his best to hide his grin. As if Gary hadn’t known what he looked like naked since 1990. He quickly tucked the towel around his waist.

‟I, uhm, couldn’t find anything in your stuff, but you can wear my clothes until we get your laundry done.” Gary handed Rob clean underwear, a baby blue shirt and black pants.

‟Thanks, Gaz.”

After drying off Rob quickly put Gary’s clothes on. He liked the soft fabric of the comfortable black sweatpants the most. But he also liked how everything smelled like Gary. Like home. He went back into the living room where Gary was waiting on the couch. Gary. In Rob’s apartment. On Christmas eve. How weird was that?


	2. Chapter 2

“You look better already,” Gary said quietly and with a smile. “The food should be here in like twenty minutes.”

“Awesome,” Rob said, still not feeling hungry or just appetite for anything. He went over to the couch, carelessly pushed some of his things down onto the ground and sat down next to Gary. Rob pulled up his legs and instantly snuggled up to him. Putting his arm across Gary’s body and resting his head on Gary’s shoulder, Rob could hear a small sound of surprise, but then Gary quickly put his arms around him and held him close. Rob relaxed into the embrace. He hadn’t felt that content and safe in months. And yet… the voice inside that always kept telling him how he was never good enough, a useless piece of shit, raised its ugly head again. What if Gary would just leave when the food arrived? Or directly after? What if right in this moment he was thinking about how to tell Rob to never contact him again after this evening?

“So, uhm…” Gary cleared his throat. His fingers on Rob’s back started to drum a nervous little rhythm.

Rob liked it. He imagined Gary playing the piano, fingers quickly hitting the keys just the right way, eliciting the most beautiful melodies. He had always been able to play Rob like an instrument too, eliciting not melodies but feelings that were so strong it sometimes scared him. “Did you plan to visit your mum? Tomorrow?”

Rob gave a joyless snort. “Have her see me like that? Yeah no.” It must have been roughly a month since he visited her for the last time and he couldn’t stand the worry and sadness in her eyes whenever she looked at him. Jan desperately wanted to help him, but she really had no idea how. Knowing he was making her sad was unbearable for Rob, so it was easier to avoid her besides the odd phone call now and then. He was a failure as a son anyway.

“When was the last time you talked to her? Maybe you could call her tomorrow, let her know you’re okay.”

 _But I’m not okay. Not at all. Haven‘t been okay for like a year, at least._ _Longer_. “Yeah, I might.” Rob breathed in deeply. Gary smelled so good. So familiar. He pressed a soft kiss to Gary’s chest. “Did you drive here from Frodsham?”

“Yeah, I was with my parents. Had to tell them the most ridiculous excuse to leave to come here.”

Rob could hear the grin in Gary’s voice. The mention of Gary’s parents made him feel a pang of guilt though. He hadn’t seen them since last Christmas. It was certainly better that way. “Wasn’t the first time you lied to see me, you’re good at it by now.”

Gary chuckled. “You’re not wrong.” The fingers on Rob’s back kept playing their inaudible melody. He wondered if Gary could hear it in his mind. Probably.

When the doorbell rang Gary’s fingers stopped playing. He carefully let go of Rob, got up, grabbed his wallet from his bag and quickly went to open the door. Rob waited on the couch. Alone now, and suddenly feeling cold. He missed Gary’s warm embrace already. _Pathetic_.

Soon Gary came back into the living room, carrying two big brown pizza boxes. “Dig in,” he said with a smile and handed Rob the upper box.

The pizza smelled absolutely delicious and suddenly Rob _did_ feel hungry. He opened the box. Champignons and pepperoni, Gary knew exactly what he liked best.

They ate in silence, but it was a comfortable silence. Rob noticed that Gary kept watching him, but always averted his eyes when he looked up. When Gary had eaten a little more than half of his pizza Rob finished his. He didn’t leave the couch, just put the empty box on the already littered table, pulled his legs up, rested his face in his hands and kept mustering Gary. With three slices still in the box, Gary closed it and set it down on top of Rob’s.

Their eyes met and Rob felt his stomach flutter. Five years, and Gary _still_ had that effect on him.

“So, uhm…” Rob swallowed nervously. “Are you gonna stay overnight?” He sat up straighter and began to tensely knead his hands and pick the skin around his finger nails.

Gary stared at him. “You seriously think,” he started dryly, “that I drove three hours just to buy you food and give you my favourite pair of sweatpants?”

An intense wave of relief washed over Rob. He couldn’t stop the grin forming on his face. “I mean – I don’t know. Everything that happened, I –”

“I’m staying.” Gary reached over and put one hand over Rob’s twitchy ones, stopping him from picking his skin bloody. It felt warm and firm and Rob’s hands instinctively twisted and held on to Gary’s. A smile flickered across Gary’s face and he squeezed Rob’s hands quickly. “Listen, I know we have a lot to talk about, but I’m really knackered. Let’s just go to bed and… take care of it tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Rob would be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved. Talking would inevitably lead to fighting, he just knew it. And right now he didn’t want to fight. It felt too good to have Gary here, smiling at him and being nice to him. No accusations. No _you ruined everything_ , no _you’re an alcoholic_ , no _you’re a mess_ , no _I can’t stay with someone like you_. If he only just could get one more drink before bed. Just one. To take the edge of.

“Alright, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and get ready real quick.” Gary let go of Rob’s hands, got up, went over to where he had left his bag and started searching for his toilet bag. As soon as the bathroom door fell shut behind Gary, Rob jumped up and went into his bedroom. On his nightstand was still the almost full bottle of vodka. Four big steps and he was there, greedily unscrewing the cap, raising the bottle to his lips and taking two, three, four big gulps. _Finally_. The liquid burned in his throat and left a warm feeling in his stomach. A warm, familiar feeling, accompanied by a strong sense of guilt. _This is one of the reasons Gary left me_. Rob hesitated for a moment before he took another swig from the bottle. Then he screwed the bottle shut again and quickly hid it in the closet. Gary didn’t need to see this here. After closing the closet door he went back into the living room and let himself fall down on the couch. It was weirdly comforting to hear the sounds of splashing water and Gary brushing his teeth through the closed door. It felt normal. Like it had been so many nights before Rob fucked everything up. He would need to brush his teeth right after Gary was done to avoid him being able to smell the alcohol in his breath. Rob couldn’t upset him today. Not as long as Gary was being so nice to him.

A few minutes later the door opened again and Gary stepped out, just in his black underwear, carrying his neatly folded clothes in his hands. Rob allowed his eyes to wander for a moment. Gary was _fit_. Lean and more muscular than ever before. He looked absolutely amazing, Rob had to admit. Gary pointed to the closed bedroom door. “That way?”

“Yeah. I mean, uh, you can also have the guest room, I –”

“Oh, don’t be daft,” Gary grinned and walked past Rob into the bedroom.

Rob’s stomach felt like as if it just dropped ten floors and he felt a dumb happy smile spread across his face. Jesus. He quickly shook his head and went into the bathroom himself to brush his teeth. And get rid of the smell of alcohol in his breath.

When he entered the bedroom he saw Gary already sitting on the left side of the bed. Somehow the left side had always been Gary’s. Even now, half a year after their breakup, Rob only slept on the right side of the bed. Rob quickly stripped down to his underwear, carelessly dropping his clothes to the ground, and then slipped under the covers. Gary turned off the lights and then followed. Instantly they both scooted closer together. Rob wrapped his left arm across Gary’s chest and threw his left leg over Gary’s. With his head resting on Gary’s shoulder, he finally felt all the anxiety and worry slowly seeping out of his body. He felt Gary press a gentle kiss on his forehead. Instantly he raised his head, chasing Gary’s lips, and finally kissed him again. One hand suddenly grabbed the back of his head, fisting in his still slightly damp hair and pressed him simultaneously closer and urged him to move upwards. Rob willingly complied. In his new and more comfortable position, nearly completely on top of Gary and face to face, he deepened the kiss, playfully nibbled on Gary’s lower lip and coaxed him to open his mouth. With a soft moan Gary parted his lips to let Rob’s tongue start its hungry exploration. Rob’s head was spinning. That was happening _fast_. Not that he was complaining. He had missed Gary too much. The hand that wasn’t buried in Rob’s hair slid down his broad back now, deeper and deeper until it reached his butt and squeezed.

Rob broke the kiss with a teasing snort. “Damn, Gaz. When was the last time you got laid?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Gary sneered breathlessly and crashed their lips together again.

As Gary’s hips jerked up against his, Rob couldn’t do anything but shamelessly moan into the kiss. He had _missed_ this so much. Everything – Gary kissing him hungrily, his hands all over Rob’s body, feeling, caressing, squeezing, exploring, and their dicks grinding together, separated only through the thin fabric of their underwear – was simply becoming _too much_.

With Gary humping up against him, Rob could feel both their dicks rapidly hardening in their underwear. He broke the kiss again to clumsily first push his and then Gary’s underpants down as far as possible. Rob hungrily went back to kissing Gary. Their kisses were rough and desperate, but emotional at the same time, lips moving together and only losing contact for seconds so they could drag in enough air to continue. While Rob was grinding his finally freed dick frantically against Gary’s, he suddenly grabbed both of Rob’s hips and flipped them over in one swift motion. A hot wave of arousal rushed through Rob’s body. He loved it when Gary took over like this. And this position was more like them anyway. Gary in charge and Rob at his mercy. Rob threw his head back into the pillow with a moan as Gary began to lick, kiss and bite the sensitive skin on his neck. From his collar bones up to his Adam’s apple to the tender skin right underneath his ear. Rob was sure Gary would leave marks and it turned him on even more. Feeling Gary rutting needily against him, Rob fisted one hand in Gary’s stupidly long hair and pulled him up just far enough so he could crash their lips together again, whereas his other hand sneaked in between their sweaty bodies to grab both their dicks.

Gary let out a whine when Rob finally touched him and frantically began to jerk both of them off. It would be over far too soon and Rob knew it, he just didn’t care. Over the past few months he had imagined far too often how it would be to have Gary back in his bed, and he had pictured it either more aggressive or a lot slower and more gentle. The frantic, desperate frotting that was happening now was just as good though. Messy, too much and not quite enough at the same time.

Gary tried to move his hips in time with Rob’s hands, but after a few minutes his movements became faster, more irregular, and Rob knew he was close. He let go of his own dick and firmly wrapped his fingers just around Gary’s, speeding up his movements to match his stuttering hips, stroking him just how he knew Gary liked it. Gary was slowly losing control and that had always been the most delicious sight for Rob. He needed to see him come undone, lose all control he was so desperately holding onto. Sweat dripping down his forehead, swollen lips parted, panting and moaning, babbling Rob’s name and _yes_ and _fuck_ and _more_. Rob caught his lips in another deep kiss just as Gary groaned his name and lost the rhythm of his hips completely for a moment. While Rob felt the hot come splash over his stomach his hand kept jerking Gary’s dick until the last drops of liquid spilled onto his fingers.

“Rob,” Gary panted. While he was still heavily breathing, trying to catch his breath and staring down at Rob, his right hand suddenly cupped Rob’s cheek, thumb gently caressing the soft skin.

Rob’s hips desperately jerked upwards. “Gaz,” he moaned. “ _Please_.”

Moments later Gary's hand was on his dick, familiar movements, talented fingers knowing exactly how to touch him _just right_. Rob was desperately holding on to Gary, fingernails digging into the skin on his back, holding him close while thrusting up into his hand. He felt the pleasure build up behind his balls, movements growing more frantic, until the orgasm finally ripped through his body. Clinging to Gary, Rob moaned and whimpered his name, let Gary kiss him again and desperately tried to keep the words bubbling up inside him to himself. _I love you_. Rob swallowed the words he couldn't say while he got lost in the feeling of Gary's lips on his. Not rough now, gentle, loving. A warm hand on his face again, caressing him, stroking through his sweat-dampened hair. Soft lips scattering kisses all over Rob’s face – lips, cheeks, nose, forehead, closed eyelids. _I love you_. The forbidden words taunted him, danced around in his head and on his tongue.

After their breathing had normalized again, Rob blindly reached to his nightstand, grabbed a handful of tissues and lazily wiped the come off of his and Gary’s stomachs. Carelessly he threw the tissues away and off the bed. There was no way he was getting up now. Gary laid down on his back next to Rob and instantly pulled him back into his arms. With his head resting on Gary’s chest and shoulder, Rob could hear and feel his still heavy heartbeat. He closed his eyes. Breathed in the familiar scent, listened to the beating heart of the man he still loved so much.

“Gaz,” Rob sighed and planted a soft kiss on Gary’s chest.

 _I love you so much_.

He wondered what Gary was thinking about right now. Was he going to leave Rob in the morning? Did he regret this already? Or was there maybe a chance that he still loved Rob?

 _No. Forget it_.

Rob flinched from the force with which his inner voice rejected that thought. The fingers of his hand resting on Gary’s chest unintentionally dug hard into the soft skin and Gary took a sharp breath.

“Sorry,” Rob whispered, soothing over the spot with his finger tips.

This wouldn’t last. Tonight, yes. Maybe tomorrow, maybe even the day after. But it wouldn’t last forever. Rob wasn’t an idiot. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to fool himself into believing that Gary could still want him. Not after how he dropped Rob last summer. _I can’t stay with someone like_ you. The “you” spat out like a dirty word. Like Rob was worthless. A failure.

 _And I am. I know that_.

There was nothing good about him. A complete loser in school. A backing singer. A mediocre dancer who could barely remember any routine on his better days. An alcoholic. An addict. Yet somehow he had managed to trick someone as perfect as Gary into liking him. Gary, who was so talented, smart, hard-working, responsible. Beautiful. And so kind. He had given Rob so many chances and Rob still fucked up. Again and again and again.

_I don’t deserve you. Never did. Never will._

Rob shot up, pushing Gary’s arm off him, scrambling to the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands. The heels of his hands were digging hard into his eyes until he saw stars. If he could just down that bottle of vodka, so close, waiting for him, hidden in the bottom of the closet. Swallowing everything, to the last drop, until the familiar warmth filled him up from the inside instead of the dread and painful memories. Didn’t matter if he upset Gary now or tomorrow anyway.

“Rob?” Gary instantly sat up behind him. The worry in his voice was palpable. “What’s wrong?”

Rob felt a warm hand soothingly rest on his shoulder for a moment before it wandered down his back, gently caressing him. Kindness he didn’t deserve. He tried to shake the hand off, but to no avail. Instead Gary scooted even closer and gently tried to pry Rob’s hands away from his face.

“Please,” Gary murmured. “Talk to me.”

Rob finally gave in to Gary’s demanding hands and let his arms sink down. What was he even supposed to say? He didn’t want to start a fight already.

_I need a drink._

_I know I’m not good enough for you._

_You deserve better._

_Why are you even here?_

_God, I really need a drink._

A strong arm wrapped itself around Rob’s tummy. He felt the warmth of Gary’s chest pressing against his back, Gary’s chin resting on his left shoulder.

Rob closed his eyes. Too much. Tears were burning again behind his closed eyelids. He reached for Gary’s hand on his stomach, squeezed his fingers.

“I’m sorry,” Rob whispered, voice breaking. _I’m sorry for hurting you. For fucking everything up. For breaking my promise_ _s_ _. For being such a mess_. None of those words left his mouth. He couldn’t say it. Because if he did, Gary might just say “yeah, you’re right, you’re really not worth the trouble” and leave instantly. Rob took a breath but it ended up a half choked down sob.

Gary’s hair tickled Rob’s ear as he slightly turned his head to kiss Rob’s neck. “You’re overthinking.” It wasn’t a question. After five years Gary knew him. “Let’s just go to sleep, babe.”

Rob was pretty sure Gary hadn’t even noticed the slip, calling him “babe”, but he felt his heart leap up into his throat regardless. It was almost possible to pretend everything was okay between them. He nodded slowly. There was no way he could explain and articulate any of his thoughts out loud right now. And he also couldn’t get pissed. Sleep seemed like the best option. Maybe he’d even be able to sleep without nightmares and constantly waking up and lying awake for a sheer endless amount of time with Gary right beside him again. Nights he didn’t spend alone had always been more peaceful. Even when he used to have nightmares, Gary had always been right there to calm Rob down, hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

Gary planted a soft kiss on Rob’s shoulder before pulling his arm away and scooting back a bit. A hand on Rob’s side urged him to move too. Gary lay down on his side, pulling the covers over himself but holding them up in front of him, waiting for Rob to follow. When he did Gary instantly threw the covers over him and then pulled him in to spoon him. Arm around Rob’s middle, legs intertwined. Rob felt feather-light kisses on the nape of his neck, warm breathing, Gary’s nose nuzzling into his hair.

“Sleep. Don’t worry too much.”

Rob repressed a snort. If it only was that easy. But Gary only meant well. He just didn’t know better. No matter how often Rob had tried to explain, he never understood what it was actually _like_ for Rob. Being depressed despite seemingly having everything, constantly feeling the need to numb the pain with all kinds of substances to even be able to function on some days. Gary would never understand.

Rob put his hand over Gary’s hand that was resting on his stomach and entwined their fingers. He had missed this too much, being held like that, feeling loved and safe. Only a few more minutes passed until Rob heard and felt Gary’s breathing slowing down. A smile flickered across his face. Gary almost never had any trouble falling asleep, unlike him. Right now though he felt his eyelids getting heavier too and his exhausted brain begging for a rest. To the calming and familiar sound of Gary’s breathing Rob slowly drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_Too bright_ was Rob’s first thought when he woke up. Eyes still closed he pulled the blanket up over his head. He squinted into the warm darkness. As expected, and as nearly every morning, he felt hungover, though not as bad as some other days. He had a bad taste in his mouth and felt a steady pulsating headache. _Nothing a first drink can’t fix. I could try_ _to_ _get up and – Wait._

Rob suddenly shot up, pulling the blanket down. The bright daylight seemed to pierce a hole right through his skull and into his brain, but he ignored it, quickly looking to the other side of the bed.

_Gary? Gaz!_

A surge of panic flooded through his body when he saw that the bed was empty. No Gary. “No. No, no, no,” he mumbled, hand pressed against his head, desperately letting his eyes wander through the messy room. His hand fumbled across the bed sheets. They felt cold. Gary had left. Rob scrambled up from the bed, stumbled against the wall before he regained his balance. “Fuck,” he groaned.

_He promised we would talk. He_ promised _._

Looking down on himself he realised he was still naked. Instantly the memories of last night came flooding back. Gary on top of him, grinding against him, kissing him, holding him. And now he was gone. Rob quickly put the pair of sweatpants on that he had dropped on the floor last night. Slowly, to not lose balance again but also to not upset his aching head too much, he made his way over to the chair on Gary’s side of the bed. His neatly folded clothes weren’t there anymore either.

_Gary left. Again. And this time I wasn’t even worth a goodbye_.

Nearly overwhelming sadness and anger spread from his chest throughout his body. Rob felt like he could barely breathe. He shouldn’t have called Gary in the first place. _A bad idea. Gary was right_.

Suddenly Rob heard a weird thumping sound coming from another room. He stepped out of the bedroom. Again that sound. It clearly came from his bathroom. Still a bit unsteady he walked over to the slightly ajar door and peeked inside.

Gary was standing in front of his washing machine, wearing a red shirt and sweatpants just like the pair he had given to Rob the evening before, empty laundry basket next to his naked feet, holding the user manual and obviously trying to figure out the settings. Rob stared at him in slight disbelief. So Gary didn’t leave but instead was… doing Rob’s laundry. If he hadn’t just gotten up Rob would suspect he was on a bad trip right now.

When Gary seemed to have won the fight and finally closed the lid and pressed the start button, Rob pushed the door open and stepped into his bathroom. Gary turned around and blushed slightly.

“Oh. Hey. Sorry, did I wake you up?” He pushed some long strands of hair out of his face and smiled up at Rob. “I couldn’t sleep anymore but I didn’t want to wake you so I decided to try and do something useful.”

Rob shook his head. It made his headache worse. “You didn’t wake me." _I kinda wish you did. Maybe with a kiss._ He bit his lip. “I thought – I woke up and you were gone and -”

“Oh no, Rob. I’m sorry.” Gary genuinely looked upset for not thinking of that.

Rob shrugged. Acting like he hadn’t been on the edge of a panic attack just five minutes earlier. “Didn’t know you could, you know, operate a washing machine.”

“I can’t,” Gary grinned. “So before you thank me for that you should wait to see if nothing comes out ruined.”

“I’ll just keep your clothes if you fuck up mine.”

Gary laughed at that but Rob wasn’t really joking. He had missed wearing Gary’s clothes and having things that smelled like him. He would actually like to keep the clothes. Gary walked past him outside of the bathroom and Rob followed.

“I made coffee and tea, and I also found some toast,” Gary said while walking towards the kitchen. “Hungry?”

Rob shrugged. “Kinda.” Gary had prepared everything and had put it on the table. Rob grabbed a tray. “We’re having breakfast in bed. No way I’m gonna sit here when I can stay in bed and have a nap right after.”

“Everything changes but you,” Gary mumbled and Rob poked him in the side until he chuckled. “Alright, I’ll help.”

They both carried their breakfast into the bedroom and to Rob it felt weirdly domestic. Like it had often been on their rare days off. They would stay at Gary’s house and just enjoy their time together, without the other boys always around or Nigel constantly controlling them. Rob had loved those days of just them. And breakfast in bed and morning sex had been their usual routine.

Both set their trays down on their nightstand. After Gary had sat down, propped up against the headboard, Rob followed. Before Gary could reach for his coffee mug Rob had already snuggled up to him. Legs pulled up, arm wrapped around Gary’s middle. Rob wasn’t really hungry anyway, all his brain seemed to fixate on was his headache. Trying to sleep it off some more and cuddling with Gary seemed like the better option than having breakfast.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Gary sounded slightly amused, looking down at Rob clinging to him. He used to tease Rob often about being so tactile, always having to touch or hug him. Rob didn’t care if Gary found it funny as long as he let him have this.

“Not really,” Rob mumbled against Gary’s chest with his eyes half closed. Except for his throbbing headache he felt way too comfortable and warm to move again any time soon.

_I want him to stay here forever_.

The bittersweet thought was accompanied by an all too familiar ache in his chest. This wasn’t permanent. They weren’t a couple anymore, because Gary couldn’t deal with Rob and his issues. And, Rob suspected, he also didn’t want to deal with having to hide a gay relationship anymore. He had chosen his career. And the easy way out when he started flirting with one of those dancers they had hired for the Nobody Else tour. Not that Gary had ever said that out loud, but Rob wasn’t stupid. He remembered. He knew.

Rob was aware that he really was just setting himself up for heartbreak by emotionally getting so close to Gary again. But there was no way he could stop himself and stay distant. No way he could just tell Gary to leave, that it would be better for them. Rob was an addict after all. And Gary was just another drug he couldn’t quit. The strongest of them all.

While Gary was drinking his coffee in silence, one hand on Rob’s back soothingly stroking up and down, Rob was between dozing off and being kept wide awake by his headache and all the intrusive thoughts and the following anxiety. As much as he just wanted to enjoy the closeness and intimacy, his brain couldn’t stop reminding him of the day Gary broke up with him and left him, all alone, crying in a hotel room. Telling him that unless he radically changed his life there was no future. This had probably been the worst day of his life. He had never been so close to just ending everything before. But now? Gary had instantly come to him when he called and now he acted like… Like nothing bad had ever happened.

Rob felt his own heart beating heavily in his chest when he sat up a little bit straighter, but still not letting go of Gary. “Why are you here?” he asked quietly, fingers tracing a lazy pattern on Gary’s chest.

“You… You called me?”

“Yeah… but why are you _here_?”

A sigh. “You sounded like you needed help.”

Rob pushed himself up to be able to look at Gary and snorted. “Really? When I needed you earlier this year you told me time and time again to get my shit together and to not come crawling back before I’m clean,” he spat out.

Gary raised his hand to press his fingers against his temple, eyebrows drawn together. “Yeah. I know. Just… After all the photos I’ve seen in the press – I’m worried about you. Constantly. I was hoping you‘d call. Me or Mark, anybody really. But no one has heard of you since… since you left,” Gary said. He sighed again. “I care about you. A lot.”

Rob wanted to believe this so much. Because that would mean that there was a tiny bit of hope left. Hope for them and their relationship. Or what was left of the relationship they once had. He slowly let his head sink back onto Gary’s chest. The words _I care about you_ echoed in his head.

Then Rob remembered the way Gary had started to flirt with that dancer they had hired for the Nobody Else tour, right after he had broken up with Rob. It had been like a punch in the gut to him. Rob had just felt like crying all the time while Gary had been acting like a complete idiot around that girl, trying to make Rob jealous, trying to get any reaction out of him. Rob’s reaction was to take off to Glastonbury and act like he was having the time of his life with the Gallaghers.

Rob could ask him about the girl. But he could also act like he had no clue, didn’t remember. To not hear Gary’s lies. Or his truth. Whatever it was.

There were things he wanted and needed to say to Gary, thoughts racing through his mind, words colliding, muddying his brain, making it impossible for him to pick one.

_I’m so sorry for everything I said and did_

_why did you leave me when I needed you the most_

_I can try and get better for you_

_do you still need me_

_I hate you for breaking up with me_

_please don’t leave me alone again_

_I still love you_

_I love you so much_

None of those words left his mouth. The hand that was resting on Gary’s chest began drawing its invisible patterns again, feather-light touches, once taken for granted, now cherished.

“You’re not well. I know that, and you know it too,” Gary said gently. He placed a soft kiss on Rob’s head.

Rob said nothing. He closed his eyes, listening for the steady heartbeat, calming him down. _I don’t want to hear it. I can’t have this conversation again_.

“I just want you to get better.”

_I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I can’t stay clean_.

“And I told you, I promised you, that whenever you decide to do something, we can see where that takes us. I mean it.”

_But I can’t do it. I’ll fail. Like I failed all the times before when I tried and_ _made promises_ _to you_ _._ _I promised you I’d stop doing drugs and I wanted to keep my promises. But I never could. I always just made you sad._ _And I don’t want to live with a sober brain anymore. It hurts too much. I can’t stand my own thoughts_.

“Rob. Look at me.”

Gentle fingers wrapped around his jaw and firmly guided his face towards Gary’s. Reluctantly Rob opened his eyes. Gary looked so sincere. So worried. And he looked so strong. To Gary, addiction was just another flaw someone could work on, like he would work on lyrics he didn’t think were perfect enough yet. Like he would work on the music, tweak the melodies and chords, until everything fit perfectly to his words. But Rob wasn’t as flawlessly sculpted as one of Gary’s compositions. And his issues weren’t just some crooked notes, easily to fix with a second take. Rob was an entire song out of tune. He was cobbled together lyrics, lines sung, whispered and screamed out by different voices all over each other. Some instruments missing, others playing too loud, too quietly, out of key. If there even was a way to fix this, Rob wouldn’t know how or where to start. A lost cause.

But Gary looked at him with so much trust. With hope. As if he was sure that Rob wasn’t lost yet.

Rob’s heart sank, looking into those familiar blue eyes. _I’m not as strong as you are. I’m a failure._

“Please. Let me help you.”

“You can’t,” Rob finally replied, averting his eyes, unable to hold Gary’s gaze any longer. “And I don’t know how.” The fingers that had held his face gently in place wandered now a little bit higher, softly caressing his cheeks. Rob leaned into the touch, wishing it would never end.

“We‘ll figure it out.” Gary tipped up Rob’s face a little bit higher and placed a gentle, closed mouth kiss on his lips.

_I know about your girlfriend,_ Rob wanted to say _. You say we can talk about us if I get clean, but maybe you still wouldn’t want me back. Wouldn’t want to leave the girl, an easy life without having to hide like we had to. And I’d get it._ _I wouldn’t want me back either._ _I’m no good_. But he didn’t say anything. The urge for his first drink on this day grew stronger. But how, when Gary was here the entire time? _I can’t. I don’t want him to get angry._ _But I need it. God_ _._

To take his raging mind off of the bottle of vodka hidden underneath his clothes, Rob reached out with his hand and cupped Gary’s face to keep him close and kissed him again. A familiar feeling of warmth and comfort spread through his chest and he sighed into the kiss. _God, I missed this. I miss you_. Rob playfully nibbled on Gary’s bottom lip. A small sigh escaped Gary’s lips and Rob took the chance to deepen their kiss.

Gary softly pulled away. “Rob…”

“No.” He could see the doubt in Gary’s face. Maybe guilt. “I need this.” _I need you. And considering the fact that you came here, you need this too_. He planted a soft kiss on Gary’s cheek, his nose. Gary’s eyes fell shut and he relaxed into Rob’s touch, letting out another sigh when Rob’s lips fluttered over that sensitive spot right beneath his ear. Rob took his time, peppering Gary’s face with kisses, soaking up every little sound and movement.

Last night had been frantic and desperate and needy. Now, they had time and Rob wasn’t going to rush it.

After one last kiss to Gary’s cheek he moved up, swinging his leg over Gary’s thighs to straddle him to be able to kiss him more comfortably. Gary reached up to touch Rob’s face and pull him in for another kiss while his other hand snuck around his waist. Strong fingers dug into his flesh and he hoped they would leave bruises, leave evidence of Gary being here and with him directly under his skin. Gary opened his lips, trying to deepen their kiss, hot tongue licking over Rob’s bottom lip. Instantly Rob turned his face and started to kiss Gary’s cheeks and neck instead.

“Patience,” he whispered into Gary’s ear, delighted to feel him shudder as Rob’s warm breath hit him. Slowly he made his way down Gary’s neck, soft innocent kisses, little flicks of his tongue, until he started to bite and suck one spot.

“Rob,” Gary hissed. “Don’t –”

As hard as it was, Rob stopped. _I won‘t leave a mark. I know why, don’t worry_. Rob pressed a soft kiss to the skin he had just bitten, soothing over the reddened spot with his lips. He knew that Gary had never planned to stay for long, but it still hurt to know that he didn’t want any proof, any reminder, of meeting Rob on his body.

Further down now, until he reached the fabric of Gary’s shirt. Rob sat up, straddling Gary’s thighs, reaching for the hem of his shirt. He pulled and shoved the fabric upwards until Gary lifted up his upper body and helped Rob take it off. The shirt was carelessly discarded on the floor. For a moment Rob let both of his hands rest on Gary’s body. Feeling the soft, warm skin, watching his slightly flushed chest rise and fall. Gary looked up at him and Rob felt his heart sink, looking into the gentle eyes of the man he still loved so much.

Everything had changed. Everything still felt the same.

He bent down and started to kiss a line from Gary’s collar bone to his right nipple. A scrape of teeth against the sensitive nub, the hand in his hair clenching and tugging. Rob grinned at the sound of a repressed moan and licked over the hard nipple one last time before he moved on to the other to give it the same treatment. The hand on his waist tried to pull him up, a bit closer. Rob felt Gary’s hips jerk up and he moved back a bit on purpose. A needy whine escaped Gary’s mouth.

After one last suck on his nipple Rob looked up and grinned. “No need to rush things, Gaz.” As hot as it was to see Gary desperate and needy and turned on, Rob wasn’t going to let this be over after five minutes. _If this is the last time I’m ever gonna have you, I’m gonna make it last._ He drank in the beautiful sight of Gary’s flushed face and ears for a moment before he lowered his head again, kissing, nibbling and licking his way from Gary’s chest down to his navel. Gary’s hips jerked up again and he let out a low moan. Quickly Rob grabbed each of Gary’s wrists and held his arms up over Gary’s head. When he was sure Gary would hold still, he ducked down again, burying his nose in Gary’s armpit. Rob’s tongue darted out, tasting salty sweat, and a shiver ran through his body. With a final kiss he moved back down to Gary’s tummy, his hands touching and feeling and caressing every inch of skin he could reach. Gary’s hands were on him again too, one stroking through his hair, the other reaching out for Rob’s hand, linking their fingers. Rob took a deep breath, taking in Gary’s scent, lips fluttering over the soft skin around his belly button before moving deeper, following the line of hair. With the hand that wasn’t holding Gary’s he grabbed his hip, keeping him from moving too much. At the waistband of Gary’s sweatpants Rob stopped. He raised his head a little and looked up at Gary’s flushed, gorgeous face, lips parted and panting, eyes half closed and unfocused.

“You’re so beautiful,” Rob whispered. Gary squeezed his hand in a silent reply. With a smile Rob looked down. The outline of Gary’s hard dick was clearly visible through his pants. He bent down, pressing a kiss to the tip and then mouthing down the hard length. Gary let out a moan. _No matter how great your singing voice is, nothing can ever come close to how beautiful you sound in moments like th_ _is_ _, just for my ears._ Or, he thought with a pang of bitterness, probably not just for his ears anymore. Rob considered teasing Gary some more, but he was too horny to hold back much longer. He let go of Gary’s hand, sat up and first pulled Gary’s and then his own pants down and off, before he lay back down between Gary’s legs. A needy groan slipped out of his mouth at the sight of the red, straining erection. Rob’s own dick jumped and he quickly pressed his hips down into the mattress. _Not now. Gaz first._ He kissed the insides of Gary’s thighs, soft skin feeling like silk under his lips, listening to Gary’s hitching breaths. Gary ran a hand through Rob’s hair and then held his head in place, not urging or forcing him closer, just holding on. Rob was used to Gary being demanding and taking what he needed and he usually didn’t mind it, even got off on getting used and pushed around, but he liked that Gary was giving up some control now. He put his left forearm over Gary’s tummy to be able to hold him down and grabbed the base of his cock with his right hand before quickly swallowing him down. Rob hadn’t done this in a while, but he was _good_ at giving head and he knew it. Feeling and hearing how much Gary enjoyed it never failed to turn him on too. He loved the musky smell, the salty taste and the weight and feel on his tongue. Rob bobbed his head up and down a few times before he pulled back a bit, keeping only the head in his mouth. His tongue started exploring, dipping into the slit and tasting precome, sliding under the silky foreskin, running along the ridge. Rob’s head was spinning and felt like it was going to explode from taking in so many sensations. The taste, smell, feeling, sound of Gary was overwhelming.

“Rob,” Gary groaned when Rob started fondling his balls in his hand. His fingers in Rob’s hair were tugging and caressing him gently, With his other hand Gary reached for Rob’s hand that was lying on his stomach, intertwining their fingers again. Rob squeezed them tight before falling into a steady rhythm of sucking Gary off, providing just the right amount of pressure with his right hand and stroking his dick where his mouth couldn’t reach.

After a while of sucking, licking, tasting Gary, Rob felt that he was getting close. Listening to the signals Gary’s body was sending out was like an art form Rob had perfected over the past five years. The hitching of his breath, the frequency of his moans, the twitching of the muscles in his stomach and thighs, the movements of his hips, the way his hands would grip just a little bit tighter, fingers clenching and unclenching again. _He‘s perfect_. Rob doubled his efforts, wanting to make this _good_ for Gary, but with a strangled moan Gary pulled up his head. There was an obscene sound when Gary’s wet dick plopped out of his mouth and slapped back against his stomach. Rob looked up at Gary, saliva dripping down his chin, the taste of him still on his tongue. Gary’s hand wandered from the back of Rob’s head to his cheek, thumb gently caressing him before slowly wiping over his bottom lip. Rob’s tongue darted out, quickly sucking his finger in for a moment, before Gary pulled back.

“Up,” he mumbled, still panting heavily, pulling on Rob’s arm. Rob complied, scrambling upwards until he was face to face with Gary, groaning as his neglected dick rubbed against Gary’s. He was pulled in for a messy kiss, all tongue and teeth and _need_. With Gary’s arms around him, naked sweaty bodies sliding together and their desperate kisses, Rob felt himself getting lost in the sensations, felt like he was drowning with no chance to save himself. _Gary. My Gaz_. It was too good, too much, not enough. Never enough.

“I want you,” Gary moaned into an open mouthed kiss.

Rob felt himself frantically nodding, kissing Gary again, before rolling off of his body and pulling him with him, not able to lose physical contact for more than a second. It was clear that Gary had no intentions to draw things out like Rob had done. He crashed his mouth against Rob’s again, demanding and rough, biting his bottom lip hard enough that Rob was sure he was going to taste blood. He hissed but didn’t pull away. Gary’s hands started roaming over his body, exploring, squeezing, kneading. Rob involuntarily arched up the bed when strong fingers pinched his nipple, moaning loudly, hoping to get Gary to do it again. But Gary moved down fast, never taking his hands off of Rob, not hesitating before he took Rob’s dick into his mouth. Rob gasped, spreading his legs wider, hips thrusting up, hands frantically gripping the sheets. As Gary’s skilled tongue ran up along the thick vein on the underside of his dick before dipping into the slit, Rob felt his eyes roll back in pleasure.

“Gaz,” he moaned, shamelessly loud. _More. God, please_. Rob pointed to the side without opening his eyes. “Nightstand.”

For a moment way too long for his liking, Gary moved up and away from his body, cold breeze hitting his spit slick dick and making him shiver. Rob heard him rummaging in the drawer for just a few seconds, throwing something on the sheets, before making his way back between Rob’s thighs. Rob opened his eyes, too eager to see, and the view did not disappoint, Gary was kneeling between his legs, his gorgeous face flushed red, lips slightly parted and panting. There was a wrapped condom lying next to him and he was fumbling around with a bottle of lube, too eager hands trying to open it up. Rob felt his heart beat in his chest, a hot wave of pleasure racing through his body. _I missed this. I missed you. And us_. Gary didn’t hesitate. As soon as he had the little bottle opened, he poured some of the liquid onto his fingers and started rubbing them over Rob’s hole. Rob threw his head back into the pillow when the first digit promptly pressed inside. Simultaneously to his fingers opening Rob up, Gary started to suck on his dick again. The overwhelming feeling of Gary both fingering him and swallowing him down as far as he could brought Rob close to losing his mind from pleasure. He knew he could come just like this, skilled long fingers thrusting and twisting inside of him, warm lips and tongue working his dick, and it took all of his strength to hold back. Rob watched Gary bob up and down over his dick, making obscene slurping sounds, as he already felt a third finger pushing inside of him. _Good. More_. It was good to see that Gary was just as desperate for this as he was, so needy, rushing things along. Rob didn’t mind at all.

Gary lifted his head up and let Rob’s dick fall out of his mouth. A needy, desperate whine escaped Rob. Gary quickly kissed the tip of Rob’s cock before he looked up. “Ready?” His voice sounded rough. Wrecked. Rob loved it. He nodded.

Gary went down one last time, tongue lapping up the new bead of precome gathering at the slit and pressing a soft kiss to Rob’s tight balls, before he pulled his fingers out. It left him feeling empty and _wanting_ even more. Gary sat up, scooting closer, kneeling right in front of Rob. Rob threw his legs over Gary’s thighs and he could feel their hot dicks touching. The condom wrapper was ripped open. Rob watched Gary give himself a couple of quick strokes before rolling it over his dick and positioning in front of Rob. He held his breath. Gary bent down. He kissed Rob’s cheek, his nose, before their lips finally met again in a deep kiss. His tongue found his way inside Rob’s mouth, finding his, playing and dancing around. A hiss escaped Rob as he felt Gary push inside. He felt so big, and despite Gary stretching him before it hurt a bit. The kiss took his mind off of the pain a bit and he focused on that instead. The next thing he felt was Gary’s hand reaching for his, fingers intertwining, squeezing tightly. With Gary kissing him, holding hands and being inside him, Rob felt ridiculously romantic. His other hand was on Gary’s back, just holding him close for a while, before he moved it deeper and started urging him to move. Gary complied, way slower than Rob had anticipated. He started up a slow steady rhythm, pushing in deep before nearly completely pulling out again. Rob felt lost, like he was sinking, like he was losing all control, but in the best way. He was completely in Gary’s hands, at his mercy. And it had always been like that. Right from the beginning he would have done anything Gary asked of him to please him, and it was no different in the bedroom.

Rob was clinging to Gary, fingers digging into his shoulders, helplessly moaning, open mouthed kisses without much finesse. Gary’s rhythm started to pick up some speed now. Every thrust sent a shock wave of pleasure through Rob’s body and the moans spilling from Gary’s mouth were like music to his ears. He opened his eyes to look at Gary’s sweaty, flushed face, the beautiful face he loved so much. For a moment Gary stared right back into his eyes. Rob felt like he could see just as much love as he felt himself. Then Gary closed his eyes and dipped down for another deep kiss. Rob tried his best to kiss back, barely able to between the panting and moaning and a string of incoherent words spilling from his mouth.

_Gaz Gaz Gaz yes oh god Gaz please Gaz Gaz baby –_

Rob bit his lip hard. But if Gary had even noticed the _baby_ he didn’t let it show. He just kept kissing Rob, thrusting into him, being all around him, _everywhere_ , filling up Rob’s senses. _Gary. Just Gary_. He was getting close and he could tell that Gary was, too. Rob let go of Gary’s hand to sneak his own between their sweaty bodies, desperately wrapping around his dick. He had barely started to frantically jerk himself off when he felt Gary’s hand pushing his away. Gary gripped him tight, definitely not in the most comfortable position for himself, but still perfect for Rob. He wrapped both arms around Gary again, held him close, open mouth pressed against the soft skin between Gary’s neck and shoulders, sucking and kissing, and finally giving in and letting go. While Gary’s dick thrusted into him with just the right angle, his hand stroking Rob’s dick with the perfect amount of pressure, Rob felt the familiar feeling of warm pleasure rapidly building up inside him and finally pushing him over the edge. He cried out, voice muffled against the damp skin of Gary’s neck, back arching and fingers digging in deep into Gary’s back. Rob was still shuddering, shaking under Gary’s touches, come splashing over his stomach and chest, when he felt Gary’s rhythm stuttering. Gary moved just a tiny bit away from Rob until he was able to look at him again. Rob reached out a hand, pushing sweaty strands of hair out of Gary’s eyes, resting his hand on his face. With a last loud moan mixed with a whine Gary pushed into Rob one more time and kissed him hard as he came.

The words Rob had barely held in the night before made their way from his heart into his throat now, stumbled out of his stupid mouth. “I love you,” he panted, right into Gary’s mouth, right into their kiss, hoping the words that meant so much to him wouldn’t get lost on their way.

Gary kept kissing him, riding out the waves of his orgasm until he finally stilled. Rob opened his eyes again, hand caressing Gary’s cheek, and his heart felt so full he was scared it might just give out. _I love you so much. You’re everything to me. And I don’t want to go on without you any longer_. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so complete. _Stay with me. Please_.

For a moment Gary didn’t move away, still on top of Rob. Rob breathed in the scent of the rest of his cologne, the sweat, felt Gary kissing his neck, the skin beneath his ear, his cheek until he pressed a chaste kiss to Rob’s lips. He also felt Gary smile into the kiss before he moved down. Rob hissed when Gary carefully pulled his softening dick out of his hole. Gary slowly sat up, tied off the condom and dropped it on a tissue that was lying on the sheets next to them. Rob saw him grin. Before he could move or say anything, Gary was bending down, licking Rob’s come off of his stomach. Rob groaned, burying a hand in Gary’s hair, watching. He had always been like that and Rob loved it. When Rob’s stomach and chest were clean again, Gary snuggled up against him again, holding him tight, giving him another kiss.

“I love you,” Rob whispered. Desperate to hear a reply, desperate to get any reaction from Gary.

But Gary was quiet. He squeezed Rob a little bit tighter for a moment and Rob could feel his warm soft lips on his cheek. But that was it. There was nothing that showed he had really heard Rob. But he did.

Rob felt his heart sink. _He doesn‘t feel the same anymore._ It had been a long time since Gary had broken up with him, even longer since everything had started going to shit. But Rob couldn’t understand it. _If he doesn‘t love me anymore, then why is he here? Why did he sleep with me?_ He felt his throat tighten and a pain in his chest. What was this to him?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post the last two chapters as one, because the timing is just too perfect right now. Finishing a fic set during Christmas one week after Christmas just didn't sit right with me. :)  
> I hope your Christmas is better than Rob's, though...

The need for his booze that had been lying dormant for as long as his body and mind had been busy with Gary, was coming back full force now. The crushing feeling of a rising panic attack just amplified it. Rob’s heart was racing and breathing was getting more difficult. _I need space to breathe._ _And a drink_. But Gary was just getting comfortable, one arm slung across Rob’s chest, head resting on his shoulder. He was about to doze off. As it happened most of the times after they had sex. Rob used to make fun of him for that, for his ability to just fall asleep instantly after getting it on. Now he didn’t find it funny at all. _I need to get away. But he can’t know_. Gary would know instantly. And he’d try to stop Rob. And he’d get angry.

_I don’t want to lose him._

Remembering Gary’s non-reaction to Rob telling him “I love you” moments earlier he felt something in his chest painfully constrict, making it even more difficult to breathe.

_I‘ve already lost him._

Rob lay still. Completely motionless except for his rapidly moving chest. He was sure with the way his heart was pounding so heavily in his ribcage the sound would be roaring in Gary’s ears. He tried to forcefully calm his breathing down so Gary wouldn’t notice anything. _I need him to fall asleep._ _I need a drink_.

After what felt like an eternity to him, Rob carefully tried to lift Gary’s arm off of his chest. Gary grunted softly. Rob slowly moved away, still holding up Gary’s arm, and then quickly pushed a pillow in his place. Gary huffed, eyes still closed. For a moment Rob stayed still, watching him. When Gary didn’t move, didn’t wake up, didn’t say anything, he quietly got up. Rob tiptoed over to the closet, opened the door without making a sound and grabbed the bottle that had been on his mind for the past twenty minutes. He resisted the overwhelming urge to unscrew the cap right there and then. Just a little bit longer. _I can’t let Gary see_. With a glance in Gary’s direction, making sure he was still sleeping, he bent down to grab his sweatpants and then snuck out of the room. His slightly shaking hands closed the door slowly and without a sound. As soon as Rob heard the soft _click_ of the door he let out a sigh. He closed his eyes, leaned against the wall and hastily opened up the bottle. Two, three, four big gulps and his frantic brain finally seemed to calm down a bit. _Finally_. The antsy, nervous, _craving_ feeling finally left when a wave of relief, mixed up with guilt and a need for more, rushed through Rob’s veins. He lifted the bottle up again.

_I’m a failure. A disappointment._

He knew that drinking more wouldn’t get rid off those thoughts. But maybe he could drown them enough so he wouldn’t have to listen to them for a while. Still tiptoeing he made his way into the kitchen and let himself fall heavily down on a chair. _Gary is lying in my bed. But he doesn‘t love me anymore. Merry Christmas to me_. There was a glass right in front of him on the table but he didn’t bother with it, kept drinking straight from the bottle. What was the point anyway? Rob had no reason to keep up a facade. He raised the bottle again. It was half empty by now.

What now? _I want him to go. But I need him to stay with me._ The vodka was muddying Rob’s brain, slowing it down, as if he had to think through a layer of cotton. It wasn’t an unwelcome feeling. But at the same time he hated it. Hated himself for losing control again. For disappointing the few people that still cared about him. Rob suddenly felt the urge to talk to his mother. There wasn’t really anyone else he wanted to bother right now anyway.

Rob got up to get his phone. He must have left it somewhere in the living room. Quietly, to not wake up Gary, he made his way through the hall into the living room on legs that felt like lead already. Rob found the phone after a few moments. He was already dialling his mother‘s number before he had left the room. Just when he closed the kitchen door behind himself again, his mother answered.

“Hello?”

A weird mixture of longing for a hug from her and shame and guilt welled up inside of Rob. “Hi Mum,” he said quietly. “Merry Christmas.” He felt his eyes burning.

“Robert! Baby, I was so worried. How are you?”

The love and concern in Jan‘s voice did nothing to make this easier for Rob. “Good,” he lied. “You good too?”

If she heard the slight slurring of his voice she didn’t mention it. “I am. Is everything okay? Do you need me to come over?”

Rob shook his head, more to himself. “No.” A pause. “Gary is here.”

“What?” Jan replied surprised.

“And I’m fucking it up again,” he whispered. His voice broke. “I fucked everything up.”

“What happened? Did you have a fight?”

“Not yet.”

“What did you do?”

 _You know what I did. What I always do._ “Doesn’t matter. I’ll come and visit you next month. Promise.”

There was a short pause. Rob figured she was thinking whether it was worth it to try and get him to talk more. “Can I do anything to help, baby?” Jan asked gently.

 _I wish. But no, you can’t._ “I’m fine. I’ll call you. Sorry I’m not at home today.” _But it’s better this way. You don’t need to see me like this._

“Take care of yourself, please. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Rob hung up, eyes wet, choked up. _I’m a fucking failure as a son. I know that all I do is disappoint you. I’m so sorry._

He grabbed the half empty bottle. Half empty quickly turned into nearly empty with a few big gulps. He had more in his cabinets. Probably enough to just pass out. To stop over thinking. To stop feeling.

Rob wanted Gary to stay. Stay with him until New Year‘s Eve, the day that would have been their 5th anniversary had Rob not fucked up a year ago. Stay with him after New Year‘s Eve too. Ground him, take care of him, keep him safe. Mostly from himself.

A part of Rob also wanted Gary to leave. Because there was no reason for him to watch Rob losing control again and again, failing, breaking promises, ruining himself. There was no reason for him to stay when he didn’t love Rob.

But what Rob wanted didn’t matter in the end. As soon as Gary would wake up, notice that Rob had downed almost an entire bottle of vodka again, he‘d be gone. If not literally, he‘d at least make sure that Rob knew he hated him for what he had become. There was nothing Rob could do now. Besides drink more. Drown all the pain and hurt in vodka until he felt numb enough to keep going for a while, get through the day somehow.

Rob got up, swaying on the spot, leaning heavily on the kitchen counter to not lose his balance. He opened up the cabinet with all the bottles inside, the only cabinet he really needed currently, and grabbed the next bottle. In the back, behind some white wine, was something else hidden. He eyed it for a moment, considering. It was two tiny bags, one filled with white powder, the other with pills. Substances that he knew would make him miserable but still couldn’t go on without anymore. Rob set the bottle down on the counter and then reached for the bags. Not now. But later. A little bit later. With clammy, shaking hands he carried both the vodka and the cocaine and pills back to the table. He‘d need this in a while. Not instantly. _I can keep going a little bit longer_.

For a moment, staring at the vodka and coke, Rob considered leaving the kitchen, leaving behind what he had ruined his life, his relationship with, and just going back into the bedroom, snuggling up to Gary, pretending nothing was wrong. Pretending he hadn’t just finished almost an entire bottle of vodka before 1pm. Pretending the past few months, actually the past two years at least, hadn’t been revolving around consuming enough substances to numb down his struggling brain, to shut up the voices filled with anxiety and self-hate. Pretending he could function in a way Gary was still assuming he could. Pretending he was worthy of being loved. Pretending Gary was here to stay.

Pretending Gary still loved him.

Rob bit his lip. With a clumsy, alcohol-heavy hand he reached for the vodka. After a bit of fumbling he had finally opened the bottle. He stared down at it. His brain was screaming for more. One swig from the bottle. _Just one_. As soon as the taste of the strong liquid filled his mouth though, one sip followed the next. When Rob finally forced himself to set the bottle down again, a good fourth of the contents was gone. _Huh_. With his hand he gripped the table, becoming more and more unsteady on his legs.

 _Back to Gary. I need him_.

In a corner of his dazed mind Rob knew that Gary would probably get angry. But he‘d deal with that. One way or the other. Rob stumbled through his apartment, anything but quiet this time, and then into his bedroom.

Gary was lying on his back, blanket tangled around his legs, still asleep, but stirring from the noise Rob had made. Even in his drunken haze Rob felt a wave of adoration looking at Gary, marvelled at his beautiful features. Broad muscular chest, strong jaw. He quickly made his way over to the bed and then laid down next to Gary, head resting on his shoulder. Clumsily he pulled up the blanket and covered them both, snuggled up to the warm familiar body next to him.

“Rob…?” Gary sounded more asleep than awake, voice rough.

Rob didn’t answer. He closed his eyes, already sick of the well-known feeling of his head spinning. _I’m such a failure. Bringing myself into this situation again and again_.

The arm under Rob’s head began to move, lifted up and rested on his back, pulling him in. It was Rob’s favourite position to cuddle, head on Gary’s chest so he could listen to his heartbeat. Slow. Steady. Calming. All of this – skin on skin, Gary’s arm around him, listening to the familiar sound of his heart, breathing in his scent – made him feel safe and protected. And yet Rob couldn’t enjoy it. He felt like he was waiting for a ticking time bomb to go off, without knowing how much time he had left.

The mix of anxiety, sadness and panic he had successfully pushed away while he had been drinking, was now coming back full force. _I fucked up. Again_. Rob involuntarily clenched his fist, bunching up the sheets hard enough to make his fingers hurt. _I just can’t be good enough for you. Never was. Never will. I tried. But I’m not strong enough_. He drew in a shaky breath, his chest and throat feeling too tight, painfully constricted, while listening to Gary’s slow, deep, regular breaths. Rob tried to imitate them, tried to calm himself down like that, but it was like breathing was just getting even harder. He felt his eyes burn. _I’m so sorry. I wish you would believe me that I love you more than drugs. I wish I could quit them for you_. Rob pressed his eyes shut, but he could still feel a tear roll down from the corner of his eye and over the bridge of his nose before dropping down onto Gary’s chest. Another shallow, shaky breath, trying not to cry, not to start sobbing. _There‘s no point_.

“Hey.” Gary still sounded sleepy, but there was a concern in his voice now. “Are you crying?”

“’m fine”, Rob mumbled, trying not to let his voice break, trying to hide the slurring.

Without letting go of Rob, Gary moved up a bit until his head was propped up against the headboard of the bed. One hand was still resting on Rob’s back, the other now held his face, thumb wiping across his wet eyelid before gently tipping up his head.

 _No. Please, no_. Rob reluctantly opened his burning eyes. Gary was looking right at him. _Please_.

“You’re drunk.“ He sounded surprised, but it wasn’t a question.

Rob swallowed heavily, taste of the alcohol still lingering on his tongue. There was no point in lying. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Whispering to not let the breaking of his voice get too obvious, but failing. And he truly was sorry. _I’d change if I could. I’d do everything for you. But I’m too weak_. He hated himself for being so weak, for getting up earlier to give in to his urges. For not being able to resist.

“Rob.” The disappointment and sadness in Gary’s voice was nearly unbearable.

“You knew that,” Rob mumbled, words flowing into each other, his alcohol-heavy tongue unable to articulate them clearly. _You knew that would happen. You know I can’t help it. You‘ve known this for two years at least_.

“Let me help you.”

 _You can’t. You fucking can’t. And you don’t understand that. It’s not easy_. Rob pulled his head back until Gary’s hand let go of his face. “Maybe you should leave.” _No. Stay. Please, stay_.

“Maybe I should. But I don’t think you really want that.” His hand rested on Rob’s shoulder now, thumb softly caressing the cold skin, before pulling the blanket a little bit higher.

“Why aren’t you angry?”

“I am. And I’m disappointed. But there’s not really a point. Not like that would make you change.”

Rob flinched. Gary probably didn’t mean it to sound that harsh, but it did. He was right though. Gary’s anger, his begging, his pleading – nothing had worked, nothing had been enough to make Rob get help. “Then why are you here?” Rob heard Gary take a breath, open his mouth for an answer, then close it again. _He doesn‘t actually know why._ He felt Gary shrug.

“Hoping for the best, I think. Hoping…” Gary trailed off. He pressed a soft kiss to the top of Rob’s head. “Hoping you‘ll find a reason to change.”

Rob felt his own heart beat heavily in his chest. It wasn’t like he couldn’t see a reason. It was that he knew he wasn’t strong enough to actually get clean. But if Gary really meant that… _Maybe I should try?_ _Maybe see a professional, look into rehab centres –_

“Because… I really don’t want to lose you.”

Rob’s heart skipped a beat at hearing those words. _Lose me to drugs? Or lose me as a lover?_ He didn’t want to ask. But it also didn’t really matter. Rob snuggled even closer to Gary and felt him squeeze a little bit tighter. _I don’t want to lose you_ was probably the closest Rob would get as a reply to his earlier _I love you_. And it was good. More than good. It meant that Gary hadn’t given up on him yet. Not completely. “Don’t leave me,” Rob mumbled. _Not again_. He felt a warm, steady hand on his cheek, holding his face, caressing him. So gentle but so firm at the same time. A touch that seemed to say _I’m right here and I won’t go_.

Rob wanted to just lay there, forget about the world, forget about his problems. Just feeling Gary right by his side, being in his presence, would be enough to get him through the day. But after a while of comfortably lying there, cuddling and Rob nearly dozing off, Gary broke the silence.

“Rob.”

“Mhmm.” He kept his eyes closed.

“You haven’t eaten anything today yet, right?”

Rob suppressed a groan. He wasn’t hungry at all. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to do anything but lay here, shutting the world out. “‘m good.”

“That‘s not healthy.”

“Who the fuck cares,” Rob mumbled.

“I do.” Gary gently, but firmly, started to push and pull Rob until he was at least a little bit more in a sitting position.

Rob rolled his eyes when he saw Gary reach for a slice of toast, lying on the long forgotten plates they carried over to the bedroom this morning. “It’s dry.”

“Probably the best for now. But I can go get you something to eat with it.”

Rob sincerely doubted Gary would find anything else edible in his kitchen. “No.” In what seemed like a different lifetime now – before Rob had ruined everything, before Gary had left him – Rob would have told Gary to fuck off now, to leave him alone, to not act like he was his mother or like Rob needed a chaperone. But that part of his life was over. His new unpleasant reality without Gary as a constant and partner in his life meant that he couldn’t take Gary being here and taking care of him for granted, and he definitely couldn’t piss him off now. Reluctantly Rob took the piece of bread from Gary. When he continued just holding it, he noticed Gary looking at him. “Oh my god, stop staring at me.”

Gary rolled his eyes.

Rob finally took a bite. _Like fucking cardboard_. He still chewed and swallowed, knowing Gary wouldn’t stop bugging him anyway. “Happy now?” he grumbled after choking down the last dry bite of toast.

Gary pulled Rob in with the arm that was slung around his neck and gave him a peck on the cheek as a reply. “How are you feeling?”

Rob shrugged. “Fine.” Truth was that his longing for another drink was getting stronger every minute. He wasn’t feeling fine at all. He was feeling like an addict who had had a bit of what he needed, but definitely not enough yet. And he wasn’t sure how he was going to get through the day with Gary watching constantly. Rob wanted to be better for him, he just couldn’t.

“Alright. How about we clean up a bit? Your place is a mess, but I think we could get a lot done together.”

Rob sat up a little bit straighter to stare at Gary. “Are you serious?” he asked flabbergasted.

“Yeah. You can’t live like this.”

Actually he could and he had lived like this for months now. Not like it mattered how his apartment looked when he was mostly just here to sleep off the substances from the night before. Rob usually didn’t have visitors and if he did they were just as drunk and high as him and didn’t give a fuck about what his place looked like. “I can.”

“Not as long as I’m here.” Gary pulled his arm out from under Rob’s neck and stood up. He quickly picked up his pants that had been discarded to the ground earlier this morning and put them on. Then he turned around and looked expectantly at Rob. “Come on. The laundry should be finished now, so maybe you can start hanging up your clothes.”

Rob raised an eyebrow. As if he had ever used the drying rack before. Gary held out his hand. When Rob didn’t take it, he reached out to grab Rob’s arm and pulled. “ _Gaz_ ,” Rob groaned. He was annoyed but still couldn’t help but smile when he saw Gary’s enthusiastic grin. He let Gary pull him out of the bed and up and then let himself fall heavily against Gary, half on purpose, half accidentally because his balance clearly wasn’t the best after standing up so quickly and one bottle of vodka earlier. Gary caught him and held him close a little bit longer than necessary. Rob smiled when he felt Gary kiss his neck before he gently pushed him until he stood on his own.

“You good?” Gary looked him over, his underlying concern obvious enough that even Rob’s slowed down mind could still grasp it.

Rob nodded. For a moment he considered just leaving it at that, but then he quickly leaned in, half stumbling towards Gary, to kiss him. _Who knows how long this will last_. He kept the kiss sweet and soft, closed lips meeting Gary’s just for a moment, before he pulled back again. When Rob opened his eyes again he saw Gary smile.

“Okay. Go start with the bathroom. I’ll go to the kitchen. Let me know when you need help. Or if you start feeling unwell.”

Rob wanted to roll his eyes, but he didn’t. _He_ could handle his liquor, unlike Gary. So he just nodded again and did what Gary told him. Rob heard him go into the direction of his kitchen. And then he could hear Gary sing, not loud enough to actually make out words and not a melody he recognized. But it was still such a familiar sound to Rob, it felt like _before_. Quietly, so he could still hear Gary, Rob fumbled around until he had the lid of the washing machine opened. For a moment he stared down at the wet pile of clothes. _What now?_ Rob wasn’t sure he ever had to do this on his own before and he felt lost. But he felt dumb asking Gary about it. _I need a laundry basket. That thing over there? And then the drying rack. I think I’ve seen that before._ Unsure where to look for it, he walked over to the laundry basket first and carried it over to the washing machine. When Rob reached out to start pulling out the wet clothes, he could hear that Gary abruptly stopped singing.

Rob’s stomach dropped.

He instantly had a bad feeling in his guts. Frozen mid movement, he waited.

“Rob.” Quiet, but cold and sharp enough to be heard through the hallway.

 _Oh god, what? What happened?_ Rob swallowed heavily, suddenly feeling like he might throw up. When Gary’s voice sounded like that, something was up. And Rob dreaded to find out what it was. Walking on wobbly legs he made his way out of the bathroom. On the other end of the hallway he could see Gary, standing inside the kitchen, back turned to him, next to the table. Rob felt like he was wading through knee-deep water or mud, felt like he was sticking to the ground and not making any progress in moving forward.

Rob reached the kitchen after what felt like an eternity. He held on to the door frame, not making a sound, just staring at Gary’s back. He opened his mouth to say something, say Gary’s name, say that he’s here.

“I can’t believe this,” Gary said quietly, the anger in his voice obvious.

Rob felt a cold wave of dread wash over him when he remembered what he left lying on the kitchen table earlier.

His drugs.

_Oh god. Oh no. No._

Rob wanted to tell Gary how it was, that he didn’t do anything yet, but he couldn’t. He just stood there, unable to do anything but stare, dumb excuses and pointless apologies racing through his head.

“You know,” Gary started, voice still quiet but the underlying anger seeping through, “I knew you’d be drinking while I’m here. I know that much about you by now. And I didn’t say anything because I know you can’t help it.”

“Gaz…” A toneless whisper, helpless, hopeless.

“But the fact that you…” Gary trailed off and took a deep, sharp breath. Rob watched his hands curl into fists. He finally turned around, jaw clenched tight, dark eyebrows furrowed. His eyes were piercing right into Rob’s for a moment, before Rob had to look away. “The fact that you – that you take this _shit_ and then just – just crawl back into bed with me, when you know…”

“I didn’t!” Rob blurted out.

Gary continued as if he didn’t hear him. “… when you know exactly how much I despise this since –” He stopped himself.

Rob knew what he was going to say though. There were a few options. _Since you ruined last Christmas. Since you ruined_ _everything_ _we’ve had. Since you started prioriti_ _s_ _ing_ _drugs over me._

Gary slightly shook his head. “No. Just no.”

“I swear, I didn’t,” Rob said desperately. “I know what this looks like but –”

“Spare me the bullshit,” Gary hissed. “I’ve had enough of your lies. ‘I didn’t take anything, I’ll stop, I promise’. I’ve had enough, period.”

“Gaz, _please_.” Rob took a step into the kitchen towards Gary on unsteady legs, helplessly reaching out for his hand. “I _swear_ I didn’t take anything yet, I promise!” He realised he sounded just like what Gary had just said, just like he had sounded all those times before. But there was nothing else to say.

Gary pulled his hand back, face hard and unforgiving. “Sure you didn’t. And even _if_ you’re telling the truth this time,” he huffed, “you put this shit out here for one reason only. And I’m done with this. I’m done with _you_.”

“But you said…” Rob’s voice broke, was reduced to a whisper. “You said you wanted to help me.” He didn’t care that he was basically begging, like a child desperately searching for support and attention and love from a parent. Rob stood there helplessly, feeling so small, just wishing Gary would change his mind. But he wouldn’t. And it was Rob’s fault alone.

“You don’t want to be helped. You want _this_.” Gary angrily grabbed the small bag with the pills and hit his hand with it hard against Rob’s chest. It fell to the ground. “And _this_.” He took the bag containing the cocaine and hit it against Rob’s chest too before letting go of it. It landed next to the bag of pills. “I’m not gonna watch you ruin yourself any longer. This isn’t what I came here for.”

“Gary” Rob whispered, pleading. He wanted to reach out, hold Gary’s hand, but he didn’t dare.

“I told you months ago, no drugs if you _really_ want to try again. And yet you pull this shit after calling me to come here, and I haven’t even been here for a day.”

Rob felt his heart beating in his throat, chest constricting painfully and making it harder to breathe. _I can’t help it!_ He wished he could scream those words at Gary, let them finally out. Rob pressed the heels of his hands against his temples. _I can’t just_ stop _, why don’t you understand that? I’ve tried to tell you, again and again. You just don’t_ understand _addiction_. He let his hands sink again. No word, not a single sound, left his mouth. All he could do was stand there, staring at Gary, watching the tiny bit of hope he had left in his heart fall to pieces again.

Suddenly Rob wished he would’ve done a line earlier. Taken some pills. Maybe this situation would be easier to bear if he was high on whatever he could find. Mind floating, miles away from this kitchen, from Gary, from his life falling apart once again, leaving only his body behind. Like an empty shell, hearing the words he knew he’d hear sooner or later anyway, but not really listening. Just taking it in, shrugging, numb enough to not care too much.

He felt like something in his head snapped. _No begging._ _Not sinking that low._ _If he wants to go, he should go_. Rob rubbed his fingers over his temples.

 _Fuck it_.

He reached out, past Gary, and grabbed the bottle. _It’s over anyway. He won’t listen. And that’s on me_.

“Of course,” Gary snorted angrily.

Rob shrugged. _There’s no point. He’s given up on us anyway_. He opened the bottle.

“That’s how much you care.” Gary shook his head. “If you ever want to change, give me a call. But for now we are done.”

Rob shrugged again and took a swig of vodka.

Gary left the kitchen. Rob slowly sank down to the floor, next to old pizza boxes and some empty bottles. Next to his bags of drugs. A few big gulps and the bottle he was holding was half empty. The familiar warmth spread through his stomach, slowly flooded over the dread and despair, pushed away the pain of losing Gary again, leaving behind only apathy.

Rob heard Gary rustling around through his apartment. _Packing up his stuff_. Rob let himself fall on his back, his head hitting the kitchen tiles a bit too hard, but he didn’t care. _Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters_. He raised his hand with the bottle and set it to his lips, not really caring that he spilled some of the liquid over himself because he was still lying down. There was about a quarter left when he pulled away again. There was a dull clank when he set down the bottle on the tiles next to him. Blindly he let his hands wander over the ground, searching for the tiny bags he knew were there somewhere. When he found one, it was the one containing the pills. He stared up, to the ceiling. The lamp was going out of focus, moving around, turning into two lamps, back into one, into three. Round and round.

A door was slammed shut. Heavy footsteps were audible through the apartment, coming closer.

Rob opened up the bag, taking two pills out. He closed his eyes.

The footsteps came to a halt right behind him. For a moment there was just silence.

 _It’s over. He’s leaving. He should leave. I’m a fuck-up. A junkie_. Rob smiled, rolling the tiny pills between his fingers. _I never deserved him anyway. Never deserved his kindness and patience. I’m a disappointment._ This _is what I deserve. Being left like the piece of shit I am. Inevitable overdose one day. Don’t care anyway_. He quickly took the pills. His frantic, desperate brain was roaring. _Finally_.

Rob heard Gary’s heavy breathing behind him. There was something else, another sound Rob couldn’t quite categorise. A sniffle maybe. Rob felt a giggle bubble up from inside and rising up his throat until it made its way out of his mouth. _What a view. I’m lying at his feet_. The high pitched giggle sounded hysterical even to himself. _All hail king Barlow. Everybody’s lying at his feet_. He waited for Gary to say something. But there was nothing. Only silence. Rob opened his eyes just as Gary turned around and away from him. He tried to focus his eyes on him but before he managed that, Gary was out of sight. _Not back for good_. Rob giggled again. His entire kitchen was spinning around. It made him feel slightly nauseous. He closed his eyes again.

The apartment door fell shut.

Rob’s giggling stopped abruptly. The silence surrounding him now was deafening.

Rob lifted his head a bit and forcefully slammed it down back on the cold, hard floor. Tears shot into his eyes. He couldn’t tell if it was because of the physical pain or because Gary had left.

Maybe both.

He raised the bottle up to his mouth again.

 _Merry Christmas to me_.


End file.
